Good Girl Gone Bad; or, Her Anus Tightened

Of all the great volumes that line the shelves in my study, my most valued is a leatherbound first edition of Karin Tabke’s “Good Girl Gone Bad.” “Good Girl” is the story of ostensibly brilliant investigator Philamina Zorn and her sexy lieutenant boss, Ty Jamerson. Their names, like the book’s dialogue and plot twists, are about as subtle as a slap in the face with Ty’s dick.

Phil, formerly an Internal Affairs officer, is assigned to work undercover at a strip club to investigate a series of kidnappings. Before taking on her new assignment, she’s just like any other hardworking cop who’s gorgeous and has huge jugs. Phil is completely repressed and has a textbook’s worth of sexual problems, partially due to having been date-raped as a teenager, but after a few nights of stripping, her confidence comes rushing back. As the title implies, the virginal-yet-sexy Phil takes to the job with enthusiasm, and soon she’s doing lap dances in the back room. The book’s climax (heh heh) takes place when she does an onstage strip dressed in – get this – a police uniform. Dude!

You’re not going to believe this, but although supervisor Ty is a hard-bodied stud on the outside and a hurt little boy on the inside, Phil is immediately attracted to him. Despite their love/hate dynamic and feverish power struggle, Ty returns her feelings but he is incapable of maintaining a committed relationship. Why would an attractive, intelligent, adult male who’s so successful in other arenas be a failure in his romantic life? Fortunately, the author provides a sensitive, nuanced analysis of a man torn to pieces by forces both internal and external. Wait, I’m sorry. I was thinking of a different book. Ty’s mom was a slut – that’s why he’s so fucked up. But once he starts boning a repressed, neurotic woman, all of his problems are solved – just like in real life!

Throughout the book, I found myself hoping Ty, or maybe Ty’s dick, was behind the kidnappings. That was not the case. I don’t want to spoil the ending, but there are only two major characters in “Good Girl” besides Ty and Phil. Solving the mystery doesn’t present much of a challenge, even to those of us without a background in criminal justice.

For that matter, Phil seems like kind of a lousy cop. Why has she only been assigned to one case? She’s more like that person you work with who walks around with file folders in hand and stands at the copy machine but doesn’t seem to really do anything. Sure, she has a subscription to “Cop Talk” magazine and she sorts through file boxes once in a while, but she has an awful lot of down time for a Bay Area cop. It didn’t surprise me that Phil came to zero conclusions on the kidnapping case, stumbling upon the offenders in a very silly ending reminiscent of old Scooby-Doo episodes. I was surprised the culprit didn’t rip off a mask, shake his fist, and bellow “If it wasn’t for you snooping cops . . !”

The story itself is lame, but nothing is as cringe-worthy as the writing. The dialogue in this book is so bad, you can see stink lines rising from the pages. Phil’s favorite pickup line is “Fuck me till the cows come home.” Of course it’s a huge turn-on for Ty, but in real life a line like that would cause, at best, the giggles, and at worst, permanent impotence. Some other choice phrases:

Ty: I can give you more than my dick, Phil.*

Phil: Please – I’m working.

Ty: You’re working, all right – working me into a lather.

While “Good Girl” doesn’t disappoint in the unintended hilarity department, my biggest letdown was how dirty it wasn’t. The cover says, “Even good girls can be bad . . . very bad.” Well, maybe they can, but not in this book. Phil doesn’t even have sex with Ty until page 263, and despite their alleged psychological / relationship problems, they form a stable, monogamous relationship. They don’t even do anything kinky – they’re like an old married couple. I’ll admit I was shocked when “Phil’s anus tightened” on page 326, but that was because I didn’t think it was possible for her to be more of a tight-ass.

But I don’t care – it’s funny. There’s the part where Ty looks like “liquid danger.” And then there’s Phil’s “traitorous nipples.” And then there’s her lips, which Ty wants to “suck right off her face” (hot!). And then there’s the part where he sucks on her breasts “like a starved babe.” Actually, there’s a few times where he’s likened to a starved babe. And then – oh, Jesus, go read it. You won’t be sorry.




*He doesn’t, though.